Cedric Centre Weblog

Please Send Me Your Feedback.

With all the new plans for CEDRIC (Web Program, new books and new web site) it’s imperative to me that I know what is working for you and what isn’t in terms of the support I offer you as a client and/or reader of the blog and newsletter.

I would greatly appreciate any feedback or suggestions you might have about how I could do what I do better.

How can I serve you better as a counsellor?

How can CEDRIC meet your needs better?

What specifically would you like to see remain the same?

What specifically would you like to see change?

What specifically would you like to see as a part of the new web page or web program?

I ask you to ensure that your feedback is kind and constructive.  I cannot guarantee that I will implement all of your feedback but I can guarantee that it will be a great gift to me and that the only response you’ll receive from me is a great big thank you.

Please send any thoughts, feedback, invitations for change to:

michelle@cedriccentre.com

Thank you in advance for any thing you share.

Love M.

I think that what often happens when we begin to speak our truth is that the truth of the relationship we have with that person is revealed. We see three key pieces clearly for the first time:
  

1. How much co-dependency there is in our relationship with that person (ie. how much we feel responsible for their feelings and needs or vice versa); 

2. How that person offers and receives feedback, ie. How they deal with respectful honest communication;

3. And what, overall, their ability and desire to be in a healthy interdependent relationship is at that time.

We also see what is still alive in us in the way of co-dependency, caretaking, lack of self-esteem and self-trust and self-care etc. etc. by how we do or don’t take on the other person’s reaction and by whether their reaction leads us to back down on our boundary (ie. to meet their needs at cost to ourselves – a co-dependent pattern) or to hold our ground in a way that is open to hearing the other person’s needs and perspective without immediately doubting and abandoning our own.I say, if you’re being respectfully (with your words, tone and body language) truthful about where you’re at and what you need and someone is reacting as though you’re rejecting them or doing something wrong it is simply an indicator that your truth doesn’t meet needs for them.

 This is not necessarily a sign that the relationship can’t meet your needs for respect and intimacy in the long run or even in the next few minutes/hours/days.  That is up to the other person in terms of how they deal with their own feelings and needs and whether they are able to, with some time and space, see your point and work with you to a solution that meets your needs and theirs.  It is exceptionally rare that we are unable to find a way for us to get both of our needs met in a relationship. It may look different from how we initially thought (eg. I might not get my night to myself until Friday when I was hoping for Wednesday but if my need is for some time to myself without kids and partner and cats etc. I will get my need met.) This is how we discover whether the overall need of the other person is simply to control us or the relationship or if their need overall is to have a loving, respectful, mutually rewarding life-long connection. If you share a need with someone in a respectful way and get a strong resistant or critical reaction back it is for you to determine:

1. Whether you think this person is just surprised at your request and needs some time to see you setting boundaries in a healthy way and still being present and loving them and then they will ultimately feel safe to come around and join you in your new, more direct and open relationship;

2. Or whether you think the relationship has been one of the other person needing to control and have things their way, and now that you’re not into being controlled or at least, not into giving them their way at cost to you, they’re not interested in the relationship.

Hi All! Below is a great question I received last week about how to address a sensitive issue in romantic relationship.  My response can be adapted to any issue that comes up between two people so even if the issue of physical intimacy doesn’t resonate you can apply this concept to other issues easily.

Question:
 

Hi Michelle,
I have been doing a lot of work with needs this week and got stuck on something that I hoping you can shed some light on…if that is OK. I was very brave and went to my partner and expressed my need for him to be more present during sex because fun adventurous sex is important to me and I felt that need was not being met. He responded by saying his job is stressful and he is tired all the time…which is an ongoing problem. I said that it was his responsibility to learn how to deal with that and to his credit he is trying to change jobs to something he feels more fulfilled by. That likely won’t happen until next spring and even then he will be in more courses and situations which will be stressful. So I am not sure if I really see an end in sight for this issue unless he learns how to manage his stress and dissatisfaction with work better. So right now I feel like my need for fun intimate sex with the man I love has been “shelved” until he learns how to deal with his stress and dissatisfaction in his job. Now, I understand that if after a certain amount of time with no action form his end to address his issues then I will need to reconsider the whole relationship but in the interim how do I meet this need in another way that doesn’t involve cheating or leaving him (neither of which I want to do)?  My Answer:
 I agree it was very brave of you to speak with your man about this – and so important that you did articulate your needs.

In my practice and in my personal life there are two core issues in relationship with others that I see coming up time and time again. In fact they are so common and so disastrous that if each of us could wipe these patterns from our behaviour I am certain our self-esteem, our relationships with others and our world on the whole would be a vastly different and more peaceful and loving place to exist.

The two core issues are as follows:

1. Not asking directly, clearly, and respectfully for what you need.

2. Not saying “I’m sorry” when we know we have hurt someone.

These issues are flip sides of the same coin. On one side the person is not taking responsibility for asking directly for what they need, on the other side the person is not willing to take responsibility for acknowledging unmet needs that their actions have triggered in the other, even when they see the validity of that need.

This vicious cycle of not asking and not giving comes from the same place – fear – and regardless of which side we’re on most in any specific relationship it amounts to the same thing, a lack of safety, trust and respect that will ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.

Let’s take a look at #1 first and then see how it intertwines with #2.

Not asking directly, clearly and respectfully for what you need is a disaster waiting to happen.  At best you feel apathetic; as though life just happens to you and you have to take what you can get and hope for the best.  At worst you feel resentful, angry and judgemental of the people in your life or in the world at large who seem to get what they want and need while you are “doomed to suffer” or play the martyr.

Why don’t we just ask for what we need?  There are many reasons but they all really boil down to one thing: Not feeling “good enough” ie. We believe we are not as deserving as others and that we will be rejected if we ask for something that we need.

Somewhere deep down in each of us who don’t ask respectfully and clearly for what we need is the belief that we are not good enough and therefore we don’t deserve what we want. This, we believe, is particularly true if getting what we want might in any way cause judgement from others or cause them to not get exactly what they want. The truth is there is always a way for us to both get what we want, maybe not from each other, but it is not true that if I get what I want the other person can’t get what they want. That is all or nothing thinking in its finest and most devastating form.

As long as we continue to believe the “I’m not deserving because I’m not good enough” story we continue to strengthen our allegiance to it,  unconsciously assessing everyone and ourselves through the lens of our undeservedness leads us to interact with others from a place of being less than and therefore not as worthy. This often means that even when we have a partner or dear friend who has healthy self-esteem and would be happy and willing to hear us ask for a need to be met, we assume, because we feel undeserving, that they will reject us, get angry at us, or think we think we are better than they are, and so, we don’t ask for our need to be met. Instead we bend over backwards to meet their needs, biting our tongues about our own needs, and feel resentful and angry when they accept our offer of support.

We who carry the belief that we are undeserving and not good enough never get to see the truth of who we are and who we can be when we believe that we deserve to be happy and peaceful and to be the best that we can be. Instead we live half-lives, not fully engaging in anything and not ever getting to see the trust and safety and intimacy that can exist between two people when we really show our true selves to them.  Inevitably, if we are holding back something of our selves in relationship for fear of judgement or rejection, the other person, regardless of their health and self-esteem is going to hold something of themselves back too. Not necessarily to the same extent but they will not feel safe and received in sharing themselves fully based on the modeling we are offering or even the energy we give off when they ask for what they need. Resentment is palpable – even if we’re not naming it, the people around us will feel it and it will create distance.

Now let’s look at #2: Not saying “I’m sorry” when we know we have hurt someone.  Just as not taking responsibility for asking for our needs to be met directly impacts the health of our relationships and the behaviour of the other person as well, not taking responsibility for how our behaviour impacts others is a double whammy too.

The truth in any relationship is this: You are not responsible for meeting another person’s needs, unless you’ve openly agreed to and even then you ultimately have the right to change your mind. 

That’s a key point in life that many of us never fully understand – re-read the above statement and see what your inner reaction is to it.  Does it seem like a no-brainer or does it seem like some radical concept bordering on anarchy? So, someone around you can be having a rough moment because they have needs for closeness, or acknowledgement or play for example that are not being met.  It’s not up to you to meet those needs for that person – it is up to them, they are their needs!  However, if for example you’ve committed to meeting this person’s need for play (you agreed to hang out for the afternoon let’s say) and you choose not to follow through you are responsible for acknowledging that you are breaking a commitment and that you appreciate that your friend may have feelings about that and needs that aren’t met by you changing your plans.  That is the honoring thing to do, for you and for them. Step up, acknowledge the needs of the other person and that you’re aware that they aren’t being met by you in that moment.  The only way to be able to do this from a place of self-respect and strength is to know that you also have the right to have your needs met and that if your needs wouldn’t be met by spending the afternoon with this person on that day your first priority is to yourself. You see, when you know that you and your friend both have a right to have your needs met, and you know that you are not responsible for the other person’s needs you can acknowledge their need, agree or not agree to meet it, you can let them have their feelings about whether or not you are meeting their needs and you can still do what you need to do for you.  In a healthy, interdependent connection there is appreciation on both sides that the other is not there for the sole purpose of serving them.  There is appreciation that as long as both parties are respectful in their communication and acknowledge each other’s needs and are clearly willing to meet them when they can, that is the most any of us can ask of the other.Any time we have a connection where the person sees us as the sole provider of a particular need (barring dependent children of course) there are going to be issues of dependency and expectancy. If the needs of that person don’t jive with your needs there is going to be strife. We see this often in romantic partnerships where one party has a higher sex drive than the other and therefore one will often feel unfulfilled while the other feels resentful that they “have” to meet the other persons need.As long as we are stuck in our all or nothing thinking that there is only one way to meet our need (whatever it is) and only one person who can do it we immediately begin to feel fearful of not getting that need met.  This leads us to feel angry and resentful (a mask for fear) before we’ve even asked for our need to be met.  Because of the story we’re telling ourselves that our need won’t get met, we do a lot of judging and blaming of the other person (even if just in our head).  We feel fearful and angry, and by the time we actually ask for the need to be met it often comes out with a force and a tone that imply fault towards the other person and leads them to step back into their own defensive posture. This makes it hard for them to hear you and to respond respectfully and to agree to meet your request.  So they don’t. Nobody likes to be told what to do, or to be criticized or judged before they’ve even done anything! 

The unfortunate thing of course is that because of the underlying story that you are not deserving and worthy of what you need, you are less likely to get your needs met both because you don’t ask and because when you finally do ask, you ask in such a way that is unclear or accusatory and doesn’t lead to open, receptive dialogue and understanding on the part of the other person.  It seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy:  “See, I knew I wasn’t worthy!” When in reality it is simply an example of harmful old core beliefs at work and likely a lack of communication skills which are easily come by if we allow ourselves to look for them.

At worst, when we ask for a need to be met and someone says no or doesn’t follow through it’s simply an indicator that it didn’t work for them to meet our need.  It is not in any way an indicator of the validity or “okay-ness” of our need. It is about the other person, not us.

If you find that in your primary relationship you’re hearing no a lot when you ask for needs to be met, first check in with yourself about how clearly, directly and respectfully you’ve communicated.  If you’ve done your part and the answer is frequently no – it could be time to reevaluate the health of that relationship.  In most cases however, partners are only too happy to meet a clear request.  People want other people to be happy as a rule, they just need us to tell them what we need rather than make them guess!

And as for taking responsibility for not meeting another’s needs. It’s simply a matter of acknowledging that their needs haven’t been met and (if you care to) asking what you can do now to meet their need.  It is still their need and they need to let you know if, when and how you can meet it. It is then up to you to see how that feels to you and to agree or not.  

Consider the asking for and meeting of needs an ongoing dialogue as opposed to a hard and fast agreement that must be made as soon as one or the other of you raises an issue. Take time to get clear on what you need and on what specifically someone can do to meet that need and then put that out there. Give the other person time to think – sometimes  5 minutes, an hour, a day, week etc. depending on the need.  Then chat again and see what they think and feel about it. What needs do they have that will or won’t be met in meeting yours? 

If you value your self and you value the other person you will never want to rush a discussion or force the other person to agree or give you an answer before they are ready.

From the all or nothing mind set of those who use food to cope this is a radical concept.  That’s a good thing. If we stay in the comfort zone and only do what we’ve always done – we’ll only ever get better at feeling overwhelmed, anxious and using food to cope!  Not such a great idea I say.

XO M

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The other day I received an email from a dear friend who has been actively doing his own personal growth work.  He was sharing about some insights he has been having about how his ego creates distress and distance in his relationships with others.  He then reminded me of something I “learned” a while back and that life keeps giving me the chance to learn again. Namely this: When the ego is running the show things don’t go so well – we feel anxious and desperate and feel the need to control others to gain their approval and the elusive security we believe that their approval will bring.  When we can step outside the ego, to our higher self and let go of wanting control of the situation or of the other person we immediately feel released, relaxed, peaceful and can truly relate to the other person from a place of love and acceptance and not desperation and neediness.

This prompted me to think about my relationships and some of the big life lessons they have given me.

1. As Clarissa Pinkola Estes writes in “Women Who Run With The Wolves” there is a natural cycle in relationships of life/death/life and in order for a relationship to deepen and grow and become mature love we need to be willing to stay present for each other during the “death” phase and trust that new life will come to the connection in time.  In our society we seem to have (myself included) forgotten about the second “life” phase. We get fixated on the initial life phase of relationships (often termed “romantic love” or the honeymoon phase) and we believe that there is something we can to do stay there – to keep our relationship in that perfect, everything is wonderful phase of love.  We can’t. There is a natural flow in relationship where once we have enough security and time with someone our “shadow” side begins to surface. Those thoughts, feelings and behaviours that we held aside in an effort to reveal only our best selves start to emerge. Likewise, the deepening of intimacy in the relationship begins to push our security button and we begin to feel very fearful and threatened, both of the loss of the relationship and of the loss of our individuality.  This is the “death” phase of the connection. Where the relationship begins to reveal its full self – the good, the bad and the ugly.  This is the stage where most people bail. Thoughts of “you’re not who I thought you were” or “I didn’t sign up for this” abound and we begin to blame the other person for where the relationship is not working.  “They are changing” we think and we feel duped and angry.  Really, we are feeling scared because it’s time to jump off the cliff into mature adult love and a commitment to truly loving the other person come what may.  Many of us don’t realize that this “death” phase of the relationship is just the middle phase and not the end.  And because we don’t realize that we believe that the relationship has died and cannot be resurrected and so we leave to start again with someone who, we tell ourselves, will be more real or more healthy, or more right for us; someone who won’t kill the romance with their “stuff.”  It doesn’t work like that – hence we find ourselves in 6 months or a year or even the next week, back in a new relationship which will ultimately find its way to the death stage of the cycle. The solution to the relationship revolving door is to realize that the death stage precedes the life stage – new life is coming. Hang in there!  As we see ourselves holding on and staying present in the relationship through the revelation of each other’s shadow sides and through our own vulnerability we are blessed with a blossoming of intimacy, connection, commitment and love unlike anything we have ever known in romantic/honeymoon love. The romance is there, the love is there, but there is something else that’s there now and that is a deep sense of trust in the presence and continued love of your partner.  You’re there for each other and you know it.  This is true love. This is deep love. This is the connection we all truly desire but which so few of us ever attain because we turn back too soon. We turn away when things get tough and the shadow appears instead of holding fast and keeping our hearts open to our love.

Certainly there are circumstances where you should consider turning back – if your partner is abusive (verbally, emotionally or physically) or violates your core values (ie. has affairs or lies to you).  If your partner isn’t willing to take responsibility for their role in the relationship and do their work to be the best they can be and to grow beyond any harmful behaviour it is best to leave the relationship and establish a relationship with someone who will share the load with you and who is committed to emotional health and wellness first and foremost.

And, I do believe that in any other circumstance, leaving the scene before the relationship has had a chance at rebirth – or the second life phase of the life/death/life cycle is only perpetuating your stay in relationship purgatory. We all want depth and security and commitment and true love and that only comes with the second phase of life. We must pass through the death of the initial connection to find the real jewel within.
A few other things stood out for me as I reviewed my relationship past – recent or otherwise – that I’d like to share with you.

2. I am more interested in having my partner in my life than I am interested in being “right”.

3. If I’m not careful I can easily lose my balance and put all my eggs in my relationship basket.  This means I can find myself losing my connection with friends or not following through on my self-care (exercise, yoga, meditation, journaling, hobbies etc.) which creates a greater dependence/urgency around the relationship than is necessary or healthy.

4. I have had a hard time letting people, particularly my significant other see my mistakes/imperfections.  This stems from an old story that we all carry that I have to be perfect/good enough in order to be loved.  Not only did this need for perfection lead to some inauthenticity (which means it made it hard for me to be truly intimate with others) but it also left my partner feeling like he had to be perfect to keep up.  This is so ironic really because I so admired his ability to be real and vulnerable and imperfect and strove to be able to do that myself.  It also led my partner to initially put me on a pedestal which I promptly fell from and that stung a lot for both of us.

5. I discovered that I had a piece of work to do on expressing genuine love and affection when I’m angry or hurt – I would go into my ego and get into some all or nothing thinking where I couldn’t give my partner a real warm hug for example when I was feeling hurt or angry.  It would take me a while to warm up to him after there had been some discord between. I don’t think that has to be the case, nor do I think it’s a very strong demonstration of the depth of my love for this person.  I want to be a person who has a heart that is more open than that – I’d like to be a person who doesn’t  play games, however unconsciously with my love and trust myself to not withhold my love from my partner when we’re having a problem. 

6. Further to that point - I realized that I had a hard time identifying the feeling or experience of true, deep, mature love – I seemed only to be able to identify sensations of happiness or approval and sensations of hurt/sadness/anger or disapproval – so if I wasn’t feeling the happy/approval thoughts I would assume that perhaps I’m not loving this person anymore and so I would feel inauthentic hugging him or expressing my love as openly and freely as I would have a moment before the disagreement.  As I became aware of this pattern I also became aware that I was doing what Pinkola-Estes spoke of: Namely, I was seeing the death stage of my relationship and judging it as bad or wrong and then withdrawing and protecting myself from the “inevitable” end of the relationship. I didn’t know about the next life phase because it had never been modeled to me and I hadn’t experienced it myself.  I really didn’t have a clue what deep, true, committed love was so there was naturally a difficulty in me feeling open and connected and loving through tough times.  As I recognized this I knew that I wanted to have a sensation or thought of solid, mature, deep, love that was present for my lover regardless of what poopy event was taking place in him, in me or between us. This meant I had to stay tuned! I had to hang in there as openly as I could for the next phase of rebirth and life. Then the true love would be present. Then I would actually have something deeper than my romantic, on and off again love to carry me through the rough patches. It’s no wonder I didn’t have the ability to feel warm and loving towards my partner during those early times of distress.  For me there really wasn’t anything deeper to hold on to. Not because I lacked the ability to love more deeply but because I had never experienced it and hadn’t yet accessed that part of myself.

7. I also began to recognize in myself (big ego here) that I would say or do things specifically to try and impress my love. Funnily enough it was often these things that he later brought back to me as things that he felt hurt or disappointed by or felt demonstrated a lack of integrity in my or respect for him etc.  I would do things like point out my ex-boyfriends car (fancy black thing) when we drove by his building (only did that once by the way! but I did it not for any other reason than I thought it would impress my sweetheart and make him find me more of a good catch) – yes, I admit it! I behaved like a 10 year old more often than I’d like to admit.  I’m half cringing/half laughing as I admit this but it does need to be said and most importantly, worked through and left behind. It seemed that every time I did or said something that was meant (from a very gamey/insecure place I’ll admit) to make my sweetheart love or want me more it would actually disgust or offend him. In hindsight I can absolutely understand why those things didn’t go over well, if not only because of the insecurity and lack of groundedness I was revealing to him in needing to prove my worth – let alone the silly things I was saying and doing to try and impress him.  The most interesting thing for me about that pattern was that a moment before I would say or do one of those silly things I would hear my higher self saying “um, michelle, you probably don’t want to say this” and I’d have a strange feeling in my tummy but I’d say it anyway and lo and behold we’d have a disagreement or at the very least my sweetheart would have reason to step back and wonder about the health of our connection. This of course being the exact opposite effect from what my 10 year old self was trying to achieve which was this: I wanted to be so incredibly desireable; so incredibly perfect and wonderful and fabulous and irreplaceable that he could not possibly ever consider leaving me. You see, on some unconscious level, I believed that if he would never leave then I would finally have the safety and security that I so craved since I was a little girl and my father abused and then abandoned me. That little girl was still believing on some level that it was something about her that wasn’t good enough and that she just needed to be prettier, thinner, smarter, funnier, wealthier etc. etc. and then no one would ever leave her. Well, surprise, surprise, people did leave her – leave me. And they were right to. I was confused. I was inauthentic. I was manipulative. I was desperate and needy and I placed the responsibility for my happiness on them rather than owning it myself.

For me this pattern could begin to change only when I realized that I was “good enough” already. I am perfect just as I am. I wasn’t responsible for what happened way back when; for how my father did or didn’t love me. That was his stuff, I couldn’t have done anything any differently and I couldn’t have influenced his behaviour and “make” him stay or not be harmful.  It wasn’t about me, therefore, I didn’t need to keep carrying the story that I wasn’t good enough. Therefore, I could drop the games. I could centre and ground myself in me and see myself as a person of worth a deservedness and love and beauty regardless of who was or wasn’t in my life. Only at that point did I become a healthy and safe person to have a relationship with, before then ……not so good!

All this is to say that through the experience of coming face to face, time and again with the death cycle of relationship these pieces of growth work (my unfinished business),  were revealed to me.  As I opened myself to their message and stepped up to do my work my relationships got healthier and finally had the chance to deepen into something worthwhile and lasting. I couldn’t have had a healthy, loving and lasting relationship prior to this moment because I didn’t know what was alive in me that was preventing my connections from being deep, intimate and healthy. Now that I knew I could do my work. In having these realizations, some only very recently, my authentic self could finally settle down and relax.  It could let go and trust me to handle relationships in a mature and respectful way (for me and my partner) and not in the old co-dependent way.  That in itself my friends, is well worth the price of admission!
Have a great day out there and should the death cycle rear its head in your romantic partnership – don’t run the other way – embrace it, love it, revel in it, thank it, for it is the doorway to something beautiful.
Love M.
 

Hello out there! I hope you’re having a lovely week so far! In beautiful Victoria, BC the sun is shining, it’s warm and the blossoms are out on the trees. I love it! This week I want share with you a little tool I discovered to deal with the guilt I felt about eating….well….pretty much anything. But first, I must digress. Have you ever had the experience of having a friend or significant other who says one thing and does another? You know, they tell you they’re going to call you at 8 but you don’t hear from them until 9 or maybe even until the next day? Or they say they’re going to do the dishes for you but then they don’t? Or even, urelated to you, they say they’re going to call someone else, or start an exercise plan or have that confrontation with that person at work and they don’t? Have you ever had someone in your life like that? Well if you have then you know that each time that person commits to doing something and then doesn’t follow through, your relationship with that person weakens because, regardless of whether it’s dishes or a phone call or an exercise plan that person is showing you, with each breach of commitment, that they can not be trusted. We are inclined to ask ourselves to overlook such “small” things and not to be “too sensitive” or “needy” or “demanding” etc. We work hard to talk ourselves out of the feeling of disease in our tummys when a commitment gets broken by someone close to us. And in so doing we force ourselves to detach from our own authentic self and his or her appropriate feelings. We align more with the untrustworthy person than we do with ourselves.  

Hi All!  It’s Michelle here. I’d like to share a great article that a client of mine wrote about her recovery experience.  Perhaps you’ll see some of yourself in her story. Have a great day! And thank you Mandy for your authentic sharing.  Love M. 

You know those little dainty squares of rich sweet gooey sticky goodness that are served at events like weddings and receptions? The ones all laid out on trays looking shiny and chocolaty and simply divine… maybe topped with a delicately placed pistachio or strawberry? Mmmm, my mouth would water as soon as my eyes made contact. I wouldn’t be able to focus on the conversation because in my head I would be thinking, “Hm, where should I start? The butter tart looks good, but oooh, there’s one with chocolate…” I swear my eyes would glaze over in the euphoria of the blanket of sweets laid before me. That’s how it would start anyway. The end of the scene in my head wasn’t nearly as lovely. I knew, I just knew, I wouldn’t be able to stop at the 2.5 squares allocated by my RSVP. I would be trying to mingle and enjoy the company of those around me but my head would be whirling with the shame and guilt and barrage of insults I was hurling at myself. And so I would shamefully eat more.  More than I deserved. More than was meant for me. I would leave in a huffy pile of grief and guilt. “What is wrong with me?!” I said that more times than I can remember. I do remember that I hit this point. A breaking point if you will. Where I wasn’t able to ‘get myself together’ around food. I knew I was in trouble and the answer to the question that followed me everywhere was beginning to become clearer. Obviously I had a sorted relationship with food. And, given that I hated what my beautiful body had become (how could it betray me like this?), I obviously also had a sorted relationship with it as well. My life was so blessed but I hated (not a word I use lightly) it and hated the relationship I had with some of the people I shared it with. I wouldn’t think how deep this went. And even that, I knew, was a sign of trouble. It was like I know enough to know that I don’t know enough - or however that saying goes. That was in 2000 - I think. Not a vast amount of time has passed in the grand scheme of things, but oh what a difference a week, a month, a year or two or eight can make!  It was in the Yellow pages in Vancouver that I ran my finger along the ad for the Cedric Centre. I picked this one only because it offered a website where I could remain uncommitted and anonymous for the time being. The first phone call I made to Michelle was so hard. The weight of my feelings of failure were heavy to say the least. I tried to treat it like a business phone call… remain professional, get what you need and get out without getting too messy… that sort of thing. The thought makes me smile. Michelle and I ‘met’ (all of our sessions were over the phone) a couple of times a week at first and then gradually (very gradually!) became weekly and later monthly and then just a sort of check up every now and again. I can laugh now thinking of myself in my pajamas on the floor clinging with my sweaty hand to the phone, sobbing the, as Oprah calls it, ugly cry… there was so much to let out!  Those were some very painful phone conversations. I think I was able to manage the pain for two reasons. The first, I felt very safe working with Michelle and the pace of our progress was ‘just right’. I knew that if I felt I was being challenged on something that I wasn’t ready for yet all I had to do was say, I can’t do it yet, and we wouldn’t… not then anyway. Michelle knows every last ounce of my dirt. And in return I know how to be whole. A fair exchange I would say.  The second reason I was able to manage was the sessions would give something back to me. I was always left with little bits of knowing. A deeper understanding, a new perspective, a way to cope or all of the above. One of my favourite take home pieces was discovering I could change my self-talk and what that did for me. In about the course of a week I uncovered huge vast spaces of my mind that had been filled to the brim and spilling over with negative self-talk. I was amazed how much time, energy (oh the wasted energy!), and space that I had been filling with toxic and self-deprecating garbage. When I learned, with practice and guidance, to shut it out, change it, and insert new, kinder, gentler and more compassionate chatter inside my own head I felt… hmm, how can I even describe the feeling… I felt shocked, amazed, sad, proud, uplifted (the list of adjectives could get very long) but to sum up the best word would be…happy. I felt happy. I guess I felt like I was in charge again, but in a nicer just had a sunny vacation kind of way.  This happiness grew inside me like a baby in a belly. I nurtured the good feelings and the warmth and understanding and compassion started to take over. Once it got a toehold there was no stopping it. Although, that isn’t to say it was a stroll through the park kind of a journey. lt was a process. There was a lot of back and forth going on. One step forward and some staggering falls back at times but it was a process after all. And, since I could see the shining comfy place it was all heading I decided it really was worth the trip!  In these eight years since I have gained such an insightful, fulfilling and meaningful relationship with myself. I know who I am in that I know what my history is, what my flaws and shortcomings are, but more importantly I know my own strength, my resilience and resolve. And I have accepted my own offer of compassion finally understanding that compassion is not just to be shared with those around me but is allowed to be bestowed onto myself as well. I do deserve goodness in my life, and I welcome it. I am worthy of feeling happiness and of having a wonderful existence. I actually believe these things in my core. 

I have given birth to two children, my beautiful sons, born in 2005 and 2007. I cannot imagine going through the pregnancy and the months following their births without having a good relationship with my body.  It was really during these times, when my body was doing so much important work that it truly hit home for me what the relationship I have with my physical self actually means. Had I still been carrying my self hate with me like a hat I could stick on my head during times of sour weather I don’t think I would have been able to enjoy the experience of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood to it’s fullest potential. My girlfriend, having just had her third, said to me, “Oh these stretch marks! I’ll never wear a bikini again.” I think my response was surprising to her because I said, “I wear my stretch marks with pride. My body worked hard for each and every one of them!” And, it’s true. We recently traveled to a beach, our first ‘family’ vacation, and I wore a fun little bikini and my stretch marks were noticeable to anyone who cared to look, but I wasn’t the least bit self conscious of them. What a relief to not give a damn what people think of how I look. I’m curvy, I have a little pouch of extra skin on my belly from where I carried my babies around for 9 months, I have stretch marks from that growth, but it’s like it all means something really special to me. Now, that’s not to say if I had a choice I would have chosen these little bonus extras. But, it’s what I got out of the journey as my permanent reminders of the outstanding job my body did bearing big (8lbs9oz and 9lbs respectively) and super healthy children. Who am I to look at my body after such hard work and say how ugly it is and how much I hate it?! So, I see my stretch marks and think, “Ah yes… well done!”  There are days when self doubt and my old friend the core belief, “I am not good enough”, come lingering about, but I know how to offer them the compassion they are really looking for and for the most part am able to wish them well and send them packing. Sometimes I’m too hard on myself and I see old patterns begin to surface again, but I go right back to the beginning of my understanding and I remember to sit with what I’m feeling… find the real issue and deal with that the best I can or accepting it for what it is if it is something beyond my control to fix.  Because, as one comes to know, it’s not about food. The relationship I have with my self is deeper more fulfilling and more rewarding than I had imagined. Sometimes the happiness sneaks up on me and I’m surprised how it has filled me up. My healing of myself changed my life. It changed my relationships, my perspective, my attitude, and on and on, but I am still me. I am the same person in so many ways. I just feel like I can allow myself to be softer and that doesn’t make me weak or a failure. It’s just what it is… softer… like one day I took a deep breathe and let it out slowly. So, those sweet treat dainties no longer play a role in ruining my social outings. Gone are the days of my mind telling me all sorts of rules and restrictions that riddled me with bad and yucky feelings and caused me to feel overwhelmed, which were the times when I used food to cope - hello diet, binge, guilt cycle! Now, ahhh, I walk in and think, “Oh, yummy, I like those and I can have as many as I want.” And I believe it and I accept it and I know I can feel safe around food because my relationship with food is healthy now. Then I do have as many as I want and enjoy them!  Yes, I would say, unequivocally, that my mind/body/food relationship and all of the healing within my self which spread out to those relationships around me (insert ode to boundary setting here!) was worth shoveling my bucket full’s of dirt and pain and grief and mess into the receiver of my phone to the awaiting Michelle. Yes, worth every moment of it indeed. Happiness is just what I wanted. I can drink it up like sunshine in a cup now and I do!  

Hello All!

I received this great follow up sharing and question in response to my answer to K’s question about meeting our needs for connection (see: http://www.compulsiveeating.com/blog/?p=36 ). I am sure you can relate. Read on to see what I had to say.

“Michelle, what you’ve said makes sense, and I am aware that I use food as a coping strategy to deal with painful emotions. However, one of my painful emotions is the sense that I’m all alone, and that I can’t cope (feeling overwhelmed and panicky). I usually don’t have difficulty knowing what I am feeling, but to know what the need is, and then to meet the need…that part I don’t seem able to do. E.g. The feeling of being alone, the need to be connected with others emotionally/share life with friends = I don’t take steps to meet that need. I don’t reach out and build relationships, even though I definitely have the skills to do that. Why? That’s the part I’m stuck on.”

Hey K, before I can answer your question I need to ask another one – when you say “I’m all alone and I can’t cope” – what do you mean exactly – can’t cope with what?

“It’s the feeling deep inside that I can’t cope with all the pain inside. It feels like there is a ROARING amount of pain inside me that is ready to wash over me at any moment; that I will be flooded by it. That I can’t bear to be conscious b/c I will be overcome by pain. If I try not to use food to cope, I feel ABSOLUTELY overwhelmed and panicky. Panicky, I think, b/c the pain starts coming up and is unbearable (times I’ve tried to ’sit with’ it have resulted in suicide attempts, sleeping pill abuse, cutting, etc; which is not good b/c I’ve now probably “proven” to my internal self that I really can’t cope with it), as is the feeling alone. It just overwhelms me.

Re: the feeling all alone. It’s both the physical fact of being alone (no friends/supportive family). But it is more a feeling of abandonment/aloneness in the world. Being alone feels awful for that reason, yet being with people often feels just as bad (feel unheard/uncared for/used).Basically, nothing feels good emotionally for me. Using food to cope feels bad (loss of control, physical effects, loss of self-esteem), but not using food to cope feels unbearable (awareness of emotional pain/aloneness). Being alone feels awful, but being with people feels too painful.

I’ve got myself painted into a corner.”K

Thank you K. I am grateful to you for being willing to allow me to share this question and my response with others.

Your response to my question reminds me of me in the early stages of my healing journey. It was hard for me to imagine that the answer was as simple as it was and I kept trying to make each and every situation unique and therefore, requiring a different approach. This only served to make me feel anxious, overwhelmed, stuck and frustrated. Once I began to realize that the solution truly is much simpler than I had been imagining, and allowed myself to let go of needing it to be difficult, things began to flow quite smoothly – except when I forgot the solution and tried to make a situation difficult or unique yet again.

Your question above can be broken down into the following statements.

I’m all alone.

I can’t cope with all the pain inside.

I don’t know what the need is.

I don’t know how to meet my need(s).

I don’t know why I don’t reach out and build relationships.

It feels like there is a ROARING amount of pain inside me that is ready to wash over me at any moment.

I will be flooded by it.

I can’t bear to be conscious b/c I will be overcome by pain.

If I try not to use food to cope, I feel ABSOLUTELY overwhelmed and panicky.

The feeling of being alone overwhelms me.

I am alone in the world.

When I’m with others I am unheard/uncared for/used.
Nothing feels good emotionally for me.

Using food to cope means I have no control.

Not using food to cope is unbearable.

I can’t tolerate the awareness of my emotional pain/aloneness.

Being alone feels awful, but being with people feels too painful.
I’ve got myself painted into a corner.

Each of the key statements above is your story. There are parts in which it is clear you know it’s your story in that you use quotation marks around certain words to indicate that it’s an exaggerated statement or perhaps not true and yet you’re mind is attached to that story and can’t let go. This is a step in the right direction – to be able to identify the flaw in your thinking – even if you don’t know yet how to change it.

So, for each of the stories above ask yourself the following questions:

Is there any all or nothing thinking in that story?

What are some other possibilities? (come up with at least 3)

Do any of those alternative possibilities seem equally or more likely than the first, all or nothing, one?

Your mind will naturally and freely attach to one of the alternative possibilities once you reveal to yourself that you’re in all or nothing thinking and that it isn’t serving you.

Let’s work a few examples.

I am all alone.

1. Any all or nothing thinking? Are you truly all alone or are there people in your life you could connect with or have a deeper relationship with if you felt more competent, capable and safe to do so?
2. Other possibilities? I am not all alone; I could have deeper connections with so and so if I just put some effort in; I have people on the periphery of my life that I’d like to know better if I just felt more confident and secure in myself; There are people who would like to spend time with me I just don’t feel safe doing that right now or feel deserving of that right now.
3. Any of those possibilities feel better or more likely than the original (I’m all alone) one? Yes! All of them!

What you’ve just discovered in doing this is that there are stories beneath the original story that are stopping you from moving forward. Stories like: I am not safe; I can’t trust anyone; I can’t trust myself; People don’t like me; I am undeserving of friendship and healthy relationships; I am incapable of creating healthy and safe relationships; and so on.

For each one of those underlying stories that you reveal and process with the all or nothing process you will feel freer and freer to just be as you are in the moment and trust that you are a beautiful person of worth who deserves peace and love and joy at all times and is capable of creating that for herself and honoring herself first and foremost at all times.

Let’s try another example.

I can’t cope with all the pain inside.

1. Any all or nothing thinking? Yes! I am coping with all the pain inside – I’m going to work – doing my thing – using food – I’ve found a way to cope so clearly I can and that statement is all or nothing and keeps me shut down and not only not looking for a life enhancing solution, it prevents me from seeing how I am clearly coping now (even if I’d rather cope in a different way it is not true that I’m not coping).
2. Other possibilities? I can cope with all the pain inside; I don’t have to feel it all at once – I can cope with some consciously and some with food until I feel able to move through it all and be done with it; I can find some life enhancing coping strategies to use while I’m starting to invite myself to be more conscious and therefore use food a little less because I can do things like journal, meditate, walk, read, etc. sometimes when I feel able to do that instead of eat (ie. when the intensity of the emotions is less) and sometimes I will let myself use food to cope with my feelings and then when I can I will use my new tools.
3. Any of those seem more likely than the original all or nothing: I can’t cope!? Yes, all of them!

As you use this tool and reveal the all or nothing thinking that is alive in you you will immediately feel a sense of release. It may be replaced by another all or nothing thought about how it won’t work for other things or how this was a fluke or how much work it’s going to be etc. etc. etc.

Let me tell you something. Many of my clients are moving through the bulk of their healing around using food to cope in just a few months or less. This isn’t “hard” work. It’s not about battling it out with yourself and others for the rest of your life. It’s about learning a new way of being; your natural state of being and simply noticing when you’re not in your natural state of being and bringing yourself back, gently, lovingly, to reality.

If you’re starting to go into resistance and tell yourself that can’t be true for you – ask yourself: Is there any all or nothing thinking in that story?

Yes! Just because you’ve been told, or you’ve chosen to believe that this pattern will take forever to change, or that it’s “who you are”, doesn’t make that true and you don’t have to continue to believe it – just reveal the all or nothing thinking to yourself and come up with other possibilities and prove to yourself that you are safe, you are free – except when you tell yourself you’re not.

I encourage you all to feel free to email me questions about this or any stories that you feel stuck on.

Once you get through the all or nothing stories you can identify what is reality – what is true in your life ie. I don’t have many close friendships because I have a hard time setting boundaries and it doesn’t feel safe to invite people into my life because I fear they’ll overrun me and I’ll end up feeling worse.

Now, there’s still some all or nothing in that story – and, you’re much closer to figuring out where your energy really needs to go! First into enhancing your self-esteem so you know you’re deserving of what you want and need. This means you feel entitled to set boundaries and you openly and easily challenge people who violate your boundaries. It also means that you’re going to be drawing into your life people who are healthy, confident, secure people who will not intentionally violate your needs or boundaries and will hear you with respect and love when you ask them to do something differently if it makes you feel unsafe or disrespected. That’s where you’re headed. And with the all or nothing thinking running rampant you’re stuck on the surface focusing on all the thoughts and feelings and behaviours that are just coping strategies and not at all on the underlying needs of safety and security within yourself and within relationships with others.

Give this a try any time you’re feeling stuck, resistant, or hearing yourself say any of the above statements or feeling anxious or using food to cope (those are all your primary coping strategies). You’ll feel a shift immediately and be able to identify what you really need in that moment (ie. safety, love, ) and then you can start to explore how to give that to yourself.

Love M.

And, if you want to learn more about this process and experience recovery from using food to cope, consider picking up a copy of my book (http://www.compulsiveeating.com/books.htm) or joining our new web program (http://www.compulsiveeating.com/web_overview.htm )! You deserve to be free and it’s much easier than you imagine.

Here’s a great example of one client’s core beliefs exercise from page 191 of Food is not the Problem: Deal With What Is! May it inspire you to look within and identify and release your own core beliefs and move freely forward!

Michelle

Exploring My Old Core Beliefs:

1. When I am being self-critical the DS says I am: fat, ugly, obnoxious, tactless, graceless, have a big ugly nose, ugly teeth, quitter, unlovable, bad, undesirable, people don’t want me around, unworthy, not enough2. Names the DS uses when I am angry and frustrated: idiot, loser, fat, lazy, ugly, disgusting, and repulsive (how sad!!!)

3. Names others used when angry and disappointed: ridiculous, a pill, a piss ant, a twit, missy, moody (these are all my mom), pushy (my Husband)

4. Messages I received about myself: bad, annoying, unwanted, irritating, ugly, flawed, bossy, unlikable, don’t want me around, life would be perfect if I wasn’t part of the family. “I am bad, ugly, unwanted, annoying, not good, enough, unacceptable, not worthy of love or kindles or tender affection, wrong”

These all boiled down to some form of bad, ugly and unwanted

5. What is important about not being bad, ugly, unwanted?

BAD: it is unchangeable and an internal part of me > I’ll be alone because no one will want to be around me > I am not good/strong/capable enough to take care of myself so I need others > since/if I am ‘bad’ I will not have anyone (myself or others) to take care of me.

Feeling: scared, insecure Need: security, acceptance, nurturing

UGLY: people will be repelled from me > I need people (presence, support, approval) in order to feel/be “ok” > I won’t be “ok” (loved)

Feeling: ashamed, sad/despair, insecure Need: belonging, acceptance, affection

UNWANTED: I will never be connected to others > I won’t get love > I need love to exist > I will die

Feeling: despair. sad, scared, desperate, alone Need: security, intimacy, acceptance, joy and playfulness, nurturing

The unwanted held the most weight with me though interesting I can clearly see behaviors I do to avoid bad and ugly the behaviors to avoid ‘unwanted’ are a bit more undercover.

After reading my answers I was filled with ah… empathy and compassion for myself and journaled to myself from the voice of a nurturing loving parent. It was very comforting and encouraging. I then felt this strength which was the core of who I was that felt wise and strong and safe and really far above the ‘story’.

It was a great feeling.. it was my authentic self and she is so strong and capable!

If you’re just tuning in for the first time and notice that this article is called Tips for Natural Eating: IV, you’re right if you assume there were three others in this series. You may want to start with #1 as it will make a lot more sense that way (http://www.compulsiveeating.com/blog/?p=31). Or you may want to start with this one and read back as you feel the need. Either way, enjoy! And if you have any questions pertaining to natural eating that you’d like me to address let me know. M.

Last Week I shared one of the most powerful tools out there for shifting your harmful relationship with food. If you haven’t tried it I recommend you go to the blog and read the article: Tips for Natural Eating III and give it a good solid go before doing anything else. If you have tried it I’ll bet you’re feeling more relaxed and on top of things and like you’re starting to really understand what’s up and why you do what you do. Here’s the place to begin to ask yourself to be more present around food and to stop and check in before eating anything to ask: Am I physically hungry right now? And if not, what might be going on to trigger me to want to use food